1. Place your hand in front of your ear to block parentheses from entering your head, while using your thumb to apply as much pressure as possible to your carotid artery.
2. For your safety, tall black people are required to sit on uncomfortable Swedish modern chairs, while short black people must sit near the large red and white screwheads affixed to train doors.
3. Operating a crossbow on the CTA is strictly prohibited. If someone starts shooting bolts at you, proceed as quickly as possible to another car. Passengers are advised to duck.
4. If you are unsure of how to escape crossbow bollts, the white, faceless gentleman will be happy to tell you where to go. The next stop is Addison. Doors open on the left at Addison.
5. Above all, avoid the gigantic black electrical spiders that roam the CTA tunnels in search of prey. Welcome to Chicago. We hope that your stay will be happy, safe, and relatively non-fatal.